The constant feud between Keith Olbermann and Fox News Channel’s Bill O’Reilly is a good general source of amusement. They both seem generally hateful and not very worthwhile to me, but I appreciate Olbermann’s approach more. It tends to come across as an elementary-school playground battle where the not-so-bright bully beats up the classs smartass every day, but the smartass keeps coming back and making everyone laugh at the bully.

Not this time. This time, smartass Olbermann has chosen to punch the O’Reilly bruiser right in the teeth.

It’s almost too bad they had an existing feud, because this would have been better-delivered by someone for whom it wasn’t personal. Still, someone had to do it, and Olbermann did it reasonably well.

Enough background; on to the story.

Last week, the day after Memorial Day, O’Reilly falsely accused US troops during WWII of a massacre in Belgium. This was the second time he had made this accusation. Both times, it was in an attempt to shut up Wesley Clark, his guest on the show. After O’Reilly’s viewers complained about his disgraceful slander of dead American troops, the FOX transcript of his claim was altered to “fix” the claim. (FOX has since changed it back again, after this aired and caused a stir.)

In addition to all of this, O’Reilly doesn’t even have the decency to apologize for his mistake or retract his words. Instead, he makes the clearly false claim that he wasn’t actually referring to Malmedy but instead to some vague idea that we also killed prisoners.

This man is slime of the lowest caliber. Busted.

I found the transcript of the show. To find the relevant segment, search forward for “Lincoln”.

The video link I had has gone off the air. If I notice another copy of the video, I’ll link it in a comment.

We here at tardpolice.com don’t normally cheer the violent death of average, everyday idiots. However, in the case of terrorists, we feel happy to make an exception.

News out of Iraq this morning lifted all of our spirits, as it was announced that Al Qaeda’s “Prince of Iraq”, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, got his ass FedExed straight to hell, courtesy of a U.S precision airstrike:

Al-Zarqawi and seven aides, including spiritual adviser Sheik Abdul Rahman, were killed Wednesday evening in a remote area 30 miles northeast of Baghdad in the volatile province of Diyala, just east of the provincial capital of Baqouba, officials said.

It’s 8-for-1 day at the Al Qaeda Barbecue, my friends, and you’re all invited!

While most of our tards won’t be busted in nearly so spectacular a fashion, feel free to celebrate the first of many with us!

The Pirate Bay might not be known to some readers. It’s got it’s own Wikipedia here. To put it simply, it’s one of the largest BT sites on the net right now, based in Sweden. There’s a really good article published here about them; it’s 3 pages, but worth the read. The question is, are the dudes running TPB good guys or just thieves? The MPAA considers them the managers of a multi-million dollar loss to their enterprise, and recently, they pushed that to the limit, with the Swedish Police raid on the data center TPB was hosted at. (interesting to note the same day, the Swedish police site was hacked, and other government sites followed) TPB was down all of 4 days, with a mirror up in the Netherlands. That’s fast.

Of singular interest is the Piratbyrån organization, a political party with beliefs based around file sharing and freedom to exchange, well, not only ideas, but material. They had servers in the data center that got hit, and the resulting fights have been fierce. From the looks of things, Piratbyrån will be in Parliament next year, which could cause a stir.

Looks like Sweden is the place to live if you like file sharing.

Personally, I download alot of crap from torrent sites. Much of it is TV shows I could watch on conventional cable, but I avoid television. A lot of music finds it’s way to my HD as well. We, as file sharers, depend on sites like The Pirate Bay to continue operations in the face of the MPAA.

What’s your opinion?

The Tard Police have arrived, to keep you up to date on who’s being a tard, and where.

Whether you’re migrating over from Dances with Idiots or new to the site, I invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy the rantings and ravings from some of the smartest, funniest and angriest people I know. So, stow your latent political correctness at the door, and join us for a fun-filled ride of bashing the stupid - because the fuckers have it coming.

And now, let the tard-busting commence!

If you weren’t aware, I was officially “hired” by Gaming Horizon as a staff writer. As I train for the post and begin contributing, updates here might be few and far between.

Never fear; as I adjust to having an official literary workload (complete with deadlines), I’ll be back here, with any luck, with more volume.

Until then, keep visiting Pajamas Media for a listing of excellent and insightful blogs. There’s some junk there, sure, but overall, you won’t be disappointed.

A friend of mine noticed that a gaming website, Gaming Horizon, was putting out a “help wanted ad” for staff writers. He wheedled and cajoled me into submitting for an online application.

For your enjoyment, and to prove I made a valiant effort, here’s my submission to GH’s questionnaire. Questions from GH bolded by me.

***

Good afternoon, Shiva.

I’m communicating with you from my employer, which has blessed me with both an internet connection and ample time to waste. Let’s hear it for the workplace of the new millennium! To begin…

“Positions are currently on a volunteer-only basis, but when we are able to set up a payment system (and trust me when I say that this is the goal here for everybody), those who stuck with us through the freebie time will certainly be remembered.”

Writing for free doesn’t really bother me, in all honesty. I do plenty of that now as it is. I write for the love of writing, as I game for my love of gaming. It only makes sense that the two would form a certain synergy which I admit to finding attractive. Moving on to the essentials…

“1. Have you been through this game before? Have you had any previous experience in this field, or in professional writing?”

No. I’m a pure hobbyist, nothing more.

“2. Do you currently work for another gaming website? Do you currently work for, own, or otherwise operate any other site? Can I have a link to your blog?”

a. No.
b. No.
c. http://danceswithidiots.blogspot.com

“3. What kinds of writing do you typically engage in (creative, non-fiction, erotic poetry, etc)?”

I’ve dabbled with creative fiction in the past, based primarily around PnP and Online RPG’s. Now, my work is generally restricted to nonfiction political and social commentary located on my blogsite (new site currently under construction).

“4. What systems do you own, including handhelds and PC (if PC, detail with specs, please)? Do you have a preferred system?”

I previously owned a PS1, and currently own a PS2, which is gathering an impressive amount of dust in my entertainment center. I have an outdated Alienware gaming PC with an Athlon XP 1900+, 2gb of DDR RAM, an ATI 9800 Pro and SCSI hard drive / CDR.

My experience with Alienware has been such that all of my subsequent PC purchases will be directed to them, until such a time as they disappoint me.

“5. What’s your favorite game/genre/character? Why?”

Tough call.

The game which most enthralled me is still… Counter-Strike. While I fell off that bandwagon sometime in 2004, it remains the single most powerful influence on me as a gamer to this day. Formed a clan, which became tremendously popular in our little corner of the internet, and made friends who’ve followed me to this day, to different games and genres. Monday through Friday, I spend my entire workday chatting with them in IRC about… well, about -everything-. We have lans which draw people from ten states, Canada and Israel, even though we haven’t played competitive CS in two-plus years.

Cult of personality, indeed.

Since CS, my time has been consumed by MMO’s - Primarily Shadowbane, which we played as a clan for around 18 months, and World of Warcraft, which we’ve been involved in since release.

I’m also a lover of turn-based strategy games - namely the Civilization and Heroes Of Might and Magic series.

About the only thing I can’t really abide are real-time strategy concoctions. Primarily because I suck at them. Can’t win ‘em all, right?

“6. What’s your most respected game company? Why?”

Well, here we go with the loaded questions! That’s like asking me “Who’s your favorite politician?”, or “What is your favorite major media outlet?”. It’s like… trying to measure varying degrees of sucking. What gamer doesn’t have gripes with virtually every game designer or publisher in existence?

If I had my head on the block and you asked me “Who sucks the least?”, I’d probably start with Mythic. They’re still one of the only gaming companies to release an MMO to a major market which had what could be called a “successful” launch, and from my experience with Dark Age of Camelot, their server stability, customer service and “bug fixing” of their own game has been without peer, in my experience. Certainly, they have their own issues which take healthy swipes at their image (Trials of Atlantis, anyone?), but overall, my opinion of them as a game designer is “respectful”.

Blizzard might have made the list, but like most WoW customers, I’m highly disappointed in them for a plethora of reasons.

Valve? One word: STEAM.

7. “What do you think you’d bring to the table for GH, i.e., why do you think you’d be worth hiring for our audience?”

I bring both a passion for PC gaming and a writing style that, when I apply myself, wins fans. Even people who are diametrically opposed to my viewpoints compliment me both for the quality of my writing, and my ability to logically dissect and analyze virtually any issue. There are people who read my blog who really get riled up when they’re through a post, but will still log into IRC to hash it out and, maybe, laugh over it.

I am, by nature, an opinionated and outspoken bastard. This lends itself well, in my opinion, to the task of reviewing anyone else’s work or product.

“8. Why are you interested in GH, and what do you hope to accomplish here if your writing survives my brutal butchering and you’re hired?”

I’m interested in any opportunity to write, and have my work critiqued by an audience. I’d hope to impress your audience enough to establish myself as something of a “professional” writer - even if I’m unpaid for the effort. It is never less than uplifting to be complimented for your work, particularly in a creative field like art or literature. Being “hired” on to do something on a professional basis with no official education in the field? How cool would that be?

What can I say - I crave ego boosts.

“And don’t worry about a “right” or “wrong” answer. I just want to see how you think.

What’s your opinion of the Nintendo Wii controller? Do you agree with some gamers who claim that Sony has stolen Nintendo’s controller scheme, and if so, why? Do you anticipate that Microsoft may release a motion-sensor controller in response?”

Honestly? I don’t know much of anything aside from some warbling at Penny Arcade. I haven’t been an avid console gamer since shortly after the PS2 release, and don’t intend to be anytime soon.

I could Google plenty of info on the Wii controller right now, dissect the functionality and provide you with something pretty profound, but that wouldn’t be intellectually honest. I’m much less “wired into the industry” than I am wired into specific products.

To further the brutal honesty, I’ve hated Nintendo since the first time I saw “Mario Brothers”. Hate the console, hate the company, hate the games.

In regards to Microsoft, my gut tells me that, should the new-age Wii controller gain anything resembling “steam” with the gaming populace, Microsoft will follow suit in short order. I mean, it’s Microsoft. Who can’t see the intellectual property theft coming? You know who? Old people who have a hard time with email, and didn’t know that, before “Windows”, there was something called “MacOS”. Theft is Microsoft’s MO.

How’s that for a “wrong answer”?

“Did you follow the E3 2006 coverage? If so, what game most impressed you and hence, is one you’re anticipating the most right now? Why? If not, why didn’t you follow the coverage?”

No. While E3 is something that would certainly be entertaining to attend, I don’t see it as a particularly useful event in terms of gleaning hard, relevant information about upcoming titles. As a platform for whoring out new gaming consoles? Perhaps, however, I’m not much of a console fanboi. As an attendee, my primary interests would lay in upcoming software titles (where developers often outright lie), booth babes (which I hear they’re cutting down on, much to my chagrin), and toeing that fine line between walking drunk and staggering drunk.

“So what’ll it be - the 360, PS3, or Wii? Which do you think will make the most money over the next 10 years (I say 10 because, supposedly, that’s how long these things are going to be around)?”

Anything I say here will be, essentially, me talking out of my ass. Did I mention my lack of console enlightenment? Here goes, in any event:

Preliminarily, I’d have to give the hat-tip to the Wii, simply on the basis that the PS3 is so damnably expensive. Seriously, who wants to pay more for a Playstation than a personal computer? Not me, I assure you. I think that alone is enough to drive lucrative Christmas sales in Nintendo’s direction. And although the 360 was the first to make it to store shelves, based on Microsoft’s history in the console market, I don’t feel good about crowning them as the reigning gross-dollars champion in 2016. Sony is simply too much of a 700-pound gorilla in this market; history is on its side.

“And here’s a bonus just for kicks: if you could only own ONE online game, which would it be? Why?”

Well, regardless of whether you’re talking a title or an actual property, I have to say World of Warcraft. As a property, I can’t think of anything more profitable in the software industry. As a title, it turned my wife into a hardcore gamer, and gave us a mutual hobby to enjoy. Jeez, she had her second 60 before I did, even. Basically, it enriched my relationship with my spouse - what’s not to love about that?

“I want at least ONE writing sample. This could be two news stories (two because they’re shorter), a review (our format is preferable, but not required), a preview, any creative piece you’ve done in the past (short story, novellas, etc.) or some other substitute of ~1000 words (other than news stories, the most basic assignments here are 1k words in length, at least). Our editors should be able to see the basics of good English from your writing sample, i.e. good grammar structure, spelling, clarity, flow, and so on (a unique style at this point is a bonus but not a requirement, so don’t send something entirely stylistic and strange). Furthermore, make sure you’re proud of whatever you send in. Writers here are encouraged to take pride in their work because people across the globe view it, and it’s a good foundation for strong writing.”

Well. You can quickly access my entire body of public writing at my blog, http://danceswithidiots.blogspot.com ; however, I’m not sure I capped 500 words in any updates therein (although the total archived content should more than suit your review needs). If you surely need a single piece approaching that volume, I can include an old .txt file of some work I did on our WoW guild history, which was never completed. Just let me know and I’ll be happy to forward it along.

***

Thank you for your time and attention, Shiva. It’s my hope that, regardless of my acceptance (and based on your attention to console issues, I’m doubting it) that you found this submission at least as entertaining to read as it was to write. Good luck with your publication, and here’s hoping the paychecks start flowing for you guys sooner, rather than later.

Good luck!

Nate Francis
Lewiston, ME

… Pat Robertson will predict the future:

“If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms,” Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, “There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”

You may be interested to know, after consulting with a particularly crunchy booger recently excavated from my left nostril, that I have some predictions of my own.

The booger spake unto me thusly, “Nate, this summer, there shall be tornados in the Midwest. Hurricaines shall lash the Gulf and Atlantic coasts of thy country. Political upheaval shall occur in November. Verily, I say unto thee, record cold temperatures may even afflict the northermost reaches of thy state, and in 2007, the Bush Dynasty will come to an end. Be forewarned, as these signs bespeak the coming of the Unnameable One, and thou shalt know that the end of thy world approacheth.”

Talking to a booger got a little sketchy at that point, so I flicked it in the trash. I’ll put my booger’s prophecy up against Pat Robertson any day of the week, though. And then I’ll hit him in his face with a shovel, because he’s a fucking twat.

I skipped El Presidente’s speech last night; ultimately, we all knew what he was going to say, and I had better things to do than to sit at home being pissed off. I went to the gym, lifted many tons of weights, and watched my Red Sox paste the hapless Orioles to the tune of 11-1.

However, as enjoyable as the evening was, I noted when I got home that in the short time I was away, 90 more illegal immigrants snuck across our border in contravention of federal law. Laws that our politicians, those brave and principled statesmen, willfully ignore in the name of vote-pandering.

Depressing.

As the political situation in the US has spun ever more wildly out of control, my desire to write about it has slackened. It’s tough to get very fired up when the political party that claims to represent your ideological interests completely betrays you (or seems to). As the immigration fiasco spirals further into the toilet, I can only sit at my PC, dejectedly reading the news and other political blogs, wondering at the future of my country. Blogging, when I’m in this type of mood, is the furthest thing from my mind. However, as with other major items in the news, it’s time to bequeath my perspective upon you, my loyal reader. It is, after all, why this page is here in the first place.

Edit 05/16/2006 4:35pm ET: Apparently I’m not the only guy out there with blogger fatigue. Continuing…

Item number one: As much as I hate to say it, a mass-deportation of illegal aliens simply cannot be contemplated.

Yes, they snuck into this country illegally. Yes, that makes them criminals. Yes, according to our federal immigration laws, they should be subject to deportation if caught.

However, it is unconscionable to uproot aliens who have been here so long as to start families and have children, some of whom have grown up only knowing life in America. Aside from the logistics of aggressively deporting some 12 million illegals, there are questions about how a deportation would be handled where “anchor babies” are involved.

Other conservative pundits often refer to the “Reagan Amnesty of ‘86″ as a colossal policy mistake; I’m more willing to say that the amnesty itself was less of a mistake than Congresses’ failure to make competent border security a condition of that amnesty.

In regards to all that, the criminal failure of our government to secure its borders and ensure the sovereignity of United States territory has led us to Bush’s “Back of the line amnesty” deal. It’s suboptimal to be sure, but with the horrible immigration situation we have, it’s the only policy initiative I see right now that makes practical sense.

Item number two: Once the domestic policy on how to deal with our current illegals is in place, the very minute that it is agreed to, we must begin construction of the Border Wall. Once what amounts to a general amnesty goes into effect, there will be a renewed surge of illegals running for our borders, hoping to work and / or sponge here until the next amnesty. The only way to swallow the legal travesty of the inevitable amnesty is to couple it with border security so tight that a cucaracha can’t squeeze through without a passport and two forms of ID. And as much as the technocratic elite in Washington like to harp about sensors and e-fences and the like, we don’t have the manpower on the border to monitor a “virtual fence” in a meaningful fashion. We do, however, have it well within our budgetary ability to build and maintain a wall from sea to shining sea, coupled with a nice barrier trench and a whole lot of concertina wire.

It needs to be done. Foreign immigration must be controlled.

Item number three: Once security is in place, the hammer needs to be dropped on US employers of illegal aliens. The hammer should involve enormous fines per violation (up to $250,000 USD) and mandatory prison time, of an amount no less than a full year in federal incarceration. The message would be clear: Knowingly employ an illegal and you’ll likely lose your business, livlihood and freedom. Removing the ability for aliens to find easy employment (or any employment) will remove their desire to emigrate illegally.

Item number four: Militarize the border until such a time as 1. a border wall is completed, and 2. the size of the border patrol is quadrupled. As I mentioned earlier, we simply don’t have the amount of agents necessary to properly monitor the border in a fashion that would make it resoundingly secure. Until such a time as enough agents are hired and trained, we need a significant military presence on the border.

Item number five: Shitcan the guest worker program. If we need to accomodate more legal immigrants per year to meet the needs of certain industries who are used to paying slave wages for labor, that’s something we can hash out. Yes, that means employers will have to pay federal minimum wage to immigrants. Yes, that means prices on many products will go up. However, I’m willing to pay the extra cost while knowing my country’s borders and culture are secure.

We’re dealing with gas prices that have doubled in a decade, and the economy is still cruising along. I think we can deal with some lettuce inflation. Artificially depressing wages in America by winking and nodding at industry that exploits illegal aliens is anticapitalistic and more suited to America circa 1846 than 2006. Stop exploiting foreigners, and let the market decide what I’ll pay for a bag of apples.

Item number six: Repeal the anchor baby laws, once and for all. From this point forward, no more.

***

The above is no exhaustive list, to be sure. I could go on for pages more, but I wanted to lay out some basics and generate some discussion on them.

Time for lunch. Perhaps I’ll add more thoughts later.

Edit 05/17/2006 4:00pm ET: Well, it’s about a thousand miles too short, but it’s a start.

Also, we learn that both Maine Senators, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, voted against a provision requiring enforcement before amnesty.

The term is “RINO”: Republican-In-Name-Only.

Edit 05/18/2006 2:58pm ET: Robert Samuelson tells it like it is.

I hear that alot, from alot of people. Of course, there’re the old people who remember when it was a quarter or some shit, but I’ll concern myself only with what I’ve lived through while actually owning a vehicle I needed to gas up. So, call it about 16 years.

Now we’re looking at $3 a gallon and rising, and the American consumer is looking for someone to blame for it.

The average American consumer, however, is a dolt. We know this.

Here’s some bottom line, fact-type shit that people should know before they open their ill-informed pieholes (and yeah, I’m looking at you, Mr./Mrs. Congressperson):

1. There is a finite amount of global crude production per day.
2. As China and India continue to emerge as industrial economic powers, they have put hugely increased demand on that aforementioned finite supply.
3. As demand rises in ratio against available supply, prices rise. Imagine that!

Additionally, there are other factors at play. Five come to mind immediately:

1. The instability of regimes where crude is being produced (Venezuela, Nigeria, Iran, Iraq, etc).
2. The lack of domestic refining capability (we’re flooded in crude, but without the ability to refine it into gasoline, we’re screwed at the pump).
3. Various state laws regarding gasoline mixture and additives.
4. The lack of domestic crude production.
5. National cessation of development of nuclear power facilities.

If you want to find the culprits behind 2, 3, 4 and 5 in that list, look no further than your friendly neighborhood Environmentalists and the Democratic politicians they have in their pockets. That said, that lobby has dome some wonderful things for the country, on national and local levels. However, they’ve just taken it way, way overboard (think, “Global Warming Alarmism”).

People are crying about the Exxon executive who just received a 400m retirement package. My question to you: Who was crying for the oil industry 20 - 25 years ago when it was losing money hand-over-fist?

Guess what? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING CAPITALIST, FREE-MARKET ECONOMY. Criticize how they spend that profit if you like, but if you’re going to critize them for making it, do us all a favor and move to some socialist shithole and leave us Americans alone. Remember, little mister pinko, that for every 9 cents profit “Big Oil” is making on that gallon of gas your ass just burned driving to Blockbuster to rent “Farenheit 9-11″ for the seventh time, the Feds are soaking you for 18 cents in taxes. Your local government? Up to 40 cents. Where’s it going? Services to illegal aliens, for one. One among many, many wasteful, poorly-managed government cash sinkholes we commonly refer to as “social services”.

You live in a world with a commodities market. Oil is a commodity. It is in increasing demand, driving the price up. There is nothing anybody can reasonably do to abate this quickly, no matter what your superheroes in Washington try to tell you. They’re a bunch of slackjawed, vote-pandering faggots. Congress isn’t worth a pisshole in the snow.

You want to pay less at the pump? Here’s what we need to do:

1. Revitalize the nuclear sector.
2. Build some refineries, for the love of Christ (Al Gore, I’m looking at you, here. Asshole).
3. Decide on one gasoline formula for the country. If you change that formula, change it nationally.
4. Develop our own crude, like the Colorado Oil Shales and, yes, the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Fucking Dems, man, lemme tell you. Caribou? Fuck the Caribou. They can get in line with the French.
5. Promote the evolution of stable democracies where the oil comes from, in the meantime.
6. Drive less. It won’t kill you to get your fat American ass on a bike. As demand drops, surprise! SO DOES THE PRICE.
7. Politicians need to learn to shut their fucking gobs. Every time they go public with their saber-rattling and/or whining about gouging, the market jitters spike the price some more.

Whew. I think I just used up my whole profanity quota for the month.

Edit 04/28 5:46pm EST: Hey Al, the only Inconvenient Truth is that Ted Kennedy is a useless, drunken twat.

Edit 05/02 10:35am EST: Idiotard douches like Tim Russert are a large part of the “Problem in America”. It’s no wonder people remain ignorant.

I’m still here, for the moment. Reports of my death were premature, as it were.

I’m currently working on a new website that will be a collaborative effort with a few other friends. When it goes live, I’ll be posting here with the new URL.

In the meantime, I order you all to read this essay.